To all three of my children...
The other day, I sent C1 a text message reminding him to use sunscreen. He's in Florida right now with a couple of buddies for a convention. He's 19.
I quickly received a phone call from him asking me, in a very polite manner, to back off and stop texting him so much.
He was a bit short with me on the phone but I wasn't upset about it. I totally understood. First, it was in the mid 50's here and there it was 86 and humid. They were all a bit cranky as they weather was sucking the life out of them. Second...he's not a little boy anymore. He knows to use sunscreen, he won't actually use it and get fried, but he knows. He knows to behave himself, to be polite to others, to share his toys, to clean up after himself(HA). All of the things we have all taught our children since they were little ones. I know that he knows these things. I know all of my children know these things and they all roll their eyes at me when I remind them.
I know he knows, and he knows that I know.
However, there is something he doesn't know, that C2 and C3 doesn't know. That none of our children know or can possibly understand. And of course, it's more prevalent with the first child who 'leaves the nest'.
For most of your 18 years of life, I have been there. When you were little, I held you up, held your hand. As you got older, I held it a little less tightly, even let you wander, just a little. You entered school, I was forced to let go....for a few hours. As you got older, not only did I have to let go, but now I had to step back, into the shadows. I could no longer hold your hand or heck even walk next to you out in public. Don't get me wrong...I was still there, but now lurking in the shadows. The problem is, and my mom can attest to this, I can never actually let go of your hand. I actually never have. You are just a lot older and forget that I'm still there, holding your hand. You are wrapped up in your world of growing up, and no, 19 is not grown up yet!. You are exploring your world, making your own mistakes, living your own life. And for the most part, I am no longer a part of that.
I am not complaining about it. Our job is to raise you all to be viable members of society and to never move back home.
For your entire life, for a few more years of C2's life and even more for C3's life, I have been there, in the shadows, holding your hand. Trust me, if you fall, I will be the first one at your side picking you up, dusting you off and sending you back out into the world to try again.
I guess I am just saying, I will ask questions, be interested, remind you to be good, be jealous of your carefree adventures. Its what I do and will always do. I am you mom. Be understanding, be kind. If you must roll you eyes at me, do it when I'm not looking. Be gentle in your tone.
I have held your hand for 18 years. Been involved in almost everything you have done for 18 years. Stood on the sidelines, sat in concert halls, driven you to work, helped you things you didn't yet know how to handle. I have held you through stitches, broken bones, broken hearts. I have learned to step back, to loosen my grip, to hide in the shadows, but understand this....
When I text you a million times, ask for a picture with you in the frame, send you goofy snap chats, its not because I am pestering you, or stalking you....
Its because I am your mom.
