Growing up, we all make promises to ourselves. When we are young we promise ourselves we will be a lawyer, a doctor or a teacher. We tell ourselves we will make a difference in the world, we will not just exist...we will be some one, do something, change the world.
We get older and realize that change is not as easy as it sounds. We, in actuality can only change our small part of the world. in a sense, ourselves. and in reality, there is very little we have control over.
Past: When my children were babies, I promised to love them no matter what they do or become. I held their hands when we walked, taught them how to live. Now I realize that the day they walked without holding my hand, is the day that I lost them forever, they will never walk and hold my hand again. That is until the day comes that they need to help me and hold me to keep me from falling.
Current: I promise not to mortify them in front of their friends. To allow them their freedom in the neighborhood, no matter how much I worry, and pray that they dont do something stupid! I promise, or try to have the cool house. the one that they all want to come over to. (right now I wish I had more to eat in my kitchen as they are all scavenging with their friends for food) I will allow sleepovers no matter how tired I am. I will try not to say no to everything just cause I am tired. I will keep my invisible leash really really loose unless I am forced to yank them back for stupidity. Lets face it, they will do something stupid. (jumping off the shed roof into the pool comes to mind) I will not want to kill them when I ask why they did something stupid and they reply, I dont know. (I'm really really sorry mom, I really dont know why!)
Future: I promise not to tell their wives/husbands the right way to do something. I will try really really hard not to tell them they are raising their kids wrong. If they move across the country, I will be supportive while crying on the inside. I will visit but not for to long. I WILL NOT go to visit for a month and stay with them. I will never rearrange their kitchen cabinets! (no mom, this is not about you, you never did that) I will not say, I wish you would call more often, or call you every single day. I mean really!
When I am older, much older, and I have to give up my car, I will do it without question. I will try to remember that I dont want to kill a family because I am pigheadded. (is that even a word)
Should I need to leave my house forever, I will do it with dignity and pride. I will not do it kicking and screaming! I will welcome the help offered to me. I will be grateful that someone cares! I will be sad, and I will express that, but I will not be an ASS!
We all say, we will not be a burden on our kids, but I know that that is not possible. At least I hope I will live old enough to be a burden! When I do become a burden, I hope and pray that I have raised them with enough love and caring that they will not abandon me because they are to busy. That they will remember when I was tired, but drove them to a friends house anyway. When I skipped my knitting groups, because they had baseball or softball or basketball, or music concerts or anything at all. When I left a friends house because they were upset about a girl or boy and needed to talk.
I promise to grow old with dignity and pray I will maintain my common sense. I will NEVER allow my house to smell like old lady house and if it does PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME! (no mom, your house does not smell like old lady house, goodness you are awfully self conscious)
Hubby and I always joke that we need to be nice to our kids because they are going to choose the home we are going to be stuck in when we are old. Boy, if that isn't the truth!
When I am old and gray, and cranky and whining, please if this blog still exists, someone reprint this and enlarge it so I can read it. and make me read it!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
This is what I wanted....I'm just trying to remember why
This is the life I wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I used to work, out in the real world. Spent every waking hour trying to figure out how I could quit my job and stay at home with my kids. Considered writing Oprah and asking her for money to pay off our student loans so I could stay home. That was all that was holding us back. I would see other moms with their kids out during the day and get tears in my eyes because that was what I wanted. I wanted my face to be the face they saw in the morning, not the hurry, get dressed, pee, eat we have to get to daycare, I have a meeting, face.
I wanted to be there when they were sick, to cut the crusts off, cut grilled cheese into little triangles, cut up apple wedges, sprinkle with cinnamon, and serve lovingly.
Well, I have been there now for 8+ years. I now know the truth. The moms at the playgrounds were secretly insane or drinking heavily or sedated. By the grace of the economy, I was laid off over 8 years ago. My god, has it been that long already? My package was good enough that I did not have to go back to work. Of course back then, I was in baby heaven. Going to the library, taking walks, reading stories...Now...i'm in pre-teen, hormonal, and left out hell!
C1 is 12 almost 13. Please just shoot me now. It would be easier. I am the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I am annoying, I am inconsiderate, intolerant, and an idiot. If I ask for help, he acts like I have just asked him to amputate his own arm with his teeth. If I say we are going to the store, I have just asked him to strip naked and walk through the store.
C2 10 going on 18. Cries at the drop of a hat. Favorite mantra. 'I hate my life' Loves to shop, loves to ask 'can I' Love to help when asked. hates everything else, especially C3.
C3 6. My baby. Used to having no one around since the other kids were in school all day and he had me to himself. Great shopper. Fun to shop with, goes off and finds his own thing to do. So quiet, I forget to feed him half the time. Hates C2.
My house is never clean. My laundry is never dried, spun, folded, ironed, or put away. Dishwasher is always half clean and half empty. I have thrown things away just because I didn't want to go upstairs to put it away. I have stuffed things under the bed because I didn't know what else to do with it. (my mom just tsked me)
Just told C2 that if the question started with 'can i' I was going to send her to bed.
When did life go from cute adorable kids to god I need a drink and I dont have anything good in the house?
Tried to read a book the other day, revolved around a knitting store, and I couldn't read it because they were all 20 somethings complaining about their lives. Got a book called Hot Flash Club...OH MY GOD! is that what life is going to become?
When did life go from loving my babies and counting the minutes till they woke up from nap, to just leave me alone. Of course, I dont really want to be alone? Hubby is never around. He's dealing with SOM. Not an easy thing I understand..but he's never around. Kids are around to much, fighting to much, house is in a constant state of hell. Things need fixing, replacing, removing, putting away, etc etc. I mean, just what is that lump of something stuck on the floor of the family room.
Where do I go from here? C1 doesn't need me, C2 need every life being I have, C3 needs and loves me in the perfect balance. Hubby never around, house a pit, my god, it should be spotless...but what is the point. I clean it,and garden gnomes wander in behind me messing it up.
What do I need?
Someone fetch me a Mikes, QUICK!
I wanted to be there when they were sick, to cut the crusts off, cut grilled cheese into little triangles, cut up apple wedges, sprinkle with cinnamon, and serve lovingly.
Well, I have been there now for 8+ years. I now know the truth. The moms at the playgrounds were secretly insane or drinking heavily or sedated. By the grace of the economy, I was laid off over 8 years ago. My god, has it been that long already? My package was good enough that I did not have to go back to work. Of course back then, I was in baby heaven. Going to the library, taking walks, reading stories...Now...i'm in pre-teen, hormonal, and left out hell!
C1 is 12 almost 13. Please just shoot me now. It would be easier. I am the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I am annoying, I am inconsiderate, intolerant, and an idiot. If I ask for help, he acts like I have just asked him to amputate his own arm with his teeth. If I say we are going to the store, I have just asked him to strip naked and walk through the store.
C2 10 going on 18. Cries at the drop of a hat. Favorite mantra. 'I hate my life' Loves to shop, loves to ask 'can I' Love to help when asked. hates everything else, especially C3.
C3 6. My baby. Used to having no one around since the other kids were in school all day and he had me to himself. Great shopper. Fun to shop with, goes off and finds his own thing to do. So quiet, I forget to feed him half the time. Hates C2.
My house is never clean. My laundry is never dried, spun, folded, ironed, or put away. Dishwasher is always half clean and half empty. I have thrown things away just because I didn't want to go upstairs to put it away. I have stuffed things under the bed because I didn't know what else to do with it. (my mom just tsked me)
Just told C2 that if the question started with 'can i' I was going to send her to bed.
When did life go from cute adorable kids to god I need a drink and I dont have anything good in the house?
Tried to read a book the other day, revolved around a knitting store, and I couldn't read it because they were all 20 somethings complaining about their lives. Got a book called Hot Flash Club...OH MY GOD! is that what life is going to become?
When did life go from loving my babies and counting the minutes till they woke up from nap, to just leave me alone. Of course, I dont really want to be alone? Hubby is never around. He's dealing with SOM. Not an easy thing I understand..but he's never around. Kids are around to much, fighting to much, house is in a constant state of hell. Things need fixing, replacing, removing, putting away, etc etc. I mean, just what is that lump of something stuck on the floor of the family room.
Where do I go from here? C1 doesn't need me, C2 need every life being I have, C3 needs and loves me in the perfect balance. Hubby never around, house a pit, my god, it should be spotless...but what is the point. I clean it,and garden gnomes wander in behind me messing it up.
What do I need?
Someone fetch me a Mikes, QUICK!
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