Excited to move back into my house in 15 days. NO! Why? I have no freaking idea. Scared, YES, of what, I have no freaking idea. Ready to move back, NO. Why? I have to much stuff to buy, to many things missing, a reminder of to many things lost, of what we came so close to actually losing.
Why am I not excited? Why am I actually scared? (Why can't I capitalize the W on the first try?) what (see did it again) am I actually afraid of? Why am I still in tears almost daily over this? When does it go away?
I wish I knew? Buying shit..no biggie...I have a list...bathroom mirrors, cup holders, soap dispensers, towels, bath rugs, light fixtures, TP holder, Garbage can, towel racks, mop, broom, dust pan, more garbage cans, hangers, clothes pins, tons of little baskets and bins for keeping our shit. I actually have no idea where I am going to put the arts and craft stuff or what to keep it in. I bought a glue gun, but have no where to keep it. Now, in the rental house, and when we move back into my house.
Believe it or not, MOM, I did have a place for everything, nothing was just ever in its place. Now I have no place for anything. And, because my house has changed so much, I dont know if I still have a place for stuff. I know, it sounds stupid, but its not to me. I had my shoe shelf, where the kids kept their backpacks, their shoes, and a small supply of arts and crafts. On the side of the shelf, was clips for keeping important papers, homework, reading logs etc. that shelf is gone. where do I keep this stuff now? It was there because it was easy access...Sure I could move it upstairs or down stairs, but then its not easy access...stupid I know, but a problem in my world.
My last memories of my house was of piles of shit every where. My last photos of my house was of piles of shit everywhere. I cannot handle the thought of moving into my house and having piles of shit everywhere. I dont know where to put anything!
To most of you,this may seem stupid...but to me, it has me in tears as I type this. to have our lives uprooted so violently was painful enough. To have lived in a house to small for us with so many missing pieces has been a hard ship on all of us. Now we are moving back into our house that no longer looks like our house, feels like our house and I have no where to put stuff. Did you know that my laundry room actually makes me feel claustrophobic. I have no idea how I am going to work in there when I'm afraid to go in there.
We removed a wall, the only wall on our first floor, opened up the entire space, its going to be wonderful......but I lost the place where I kept all of my knitting gear. Just seeing it there made me happy, now I dont know where to put it.
My wall that I was creating with photos in the basement. Do I want to put it back? Why bother? I lost all of the picture frames...
I'm want to decorate, but I can't. I lost almost all of my stuff. When we were forced to leave our house, it was decorated...a crazy eclectic style, but decorated....I dont want to move into a blank slate...one that does not have our personality in it. I know it will, but for some reason, I am having a hell of a time letting go. and if anyone tell me to just move on i will bitch slap you and unfriend you!
I am fully aware that we only lost stuff. Stuff can be replaced. Trust me, I know that...ask hubby, I was always throwing away stuff that I though we didn't need anymore. *grin*. I dont care about stuff. I can buy stuff, I dont mind buying stuff.. I've lost so much more than all of my possessions. (I still only own one pair of shoes) I've lost my home. Yes, I am getting it back, better than before, but....I guess I just dont know... KLP and I were discussing where I was going to put things in my new kitchen...it was kinda funny...she said when she redid her kitchen she had a pretty good idea where her stuff was going to go. I dont know what stuff I own. I know the stuff here in the rental house, but there is stuff at my parents house that I got for xmas and I have NO clue what is in the ware house. I just dont remember.
Maybe that is it...how am I supposed to get excited about re creating our home when I dont know what we have, what precious items did we get to keep, what memories are still there.
Maybe that is what I am afraid of...discovering truly, what is lost....we rely on our memories but we also rely on our stuff so we dont forget. How soon before I forget the size of C1 foot print in plaster because it was on the dead list. How soon before I forget when C2 passed me in height because the piece of wood was throw in a dumpster. How soon before I forget the beautiful(ugly) wood owl C3 bought me from the dollar store? which he saved his allowance for two days to buy. Our wedding candle with the bride holding on to the collar of the groom who was trying to run away!
We will make new memories...but I am so desperate to hold onto the old ones, but I have nothing left to remind me of them.....its all gone....Maybe I'm afraid of moving on and forgetting....but not forgetting the last moments with my family in my house....the last terrifying moments...those memories will never leave....no matter how much paint we put on the walls, how the kitchen has been re modeled, the new master suite....I will never be able to shake the feelings.....Maybe I am afraid of forgetting the wonderful and only remembering the pain...that....
and where the hell am I going to keep my glue gun now???
