Laying in bed this morning, wondering why I cant sleep. Its July 18, 1:04am. One year ago, at this time, 1:16am, we were watching firetrucks fly down our street as we stood in front of our house watching it burn.
We have been through a lot, more than I ever thought I could handle. Either personally, or as a family.
In the past, pre fire, I had heard about people losing their belongings, and their house on the news like everyone else. It never dawned on me the type of hell they go through from that second on. From the second they are displaced, either by flood or fire, or whatever, their lives are changed...they can never go back, they, we, will never forget, never truly get over it, never finally move on, never let it go.
Its been 365 days...I still think about it. I go to bed at night and those thoughts pop into my head...the sounds, the lights, the oppressive heat of the night, the horror at being in the street in my jammies, sans bra! I go to bed more nights than I care to admit, picturing myself screaming at my children to run. What's worse, is when I go to bed at night and try to fill in the missing chunks. This is not something I do on purpose. Who would. I lay down, all snuggly, try to sleep, and these thoughts and images race through my head.
Not a day goes by that someone in the house doesn't bring up the fire, or items lost, or missing. And no, not by me. I try not to mention it to the kids/hubby. Its mostly the kids that bring it up and mostly regarding items lost, destroyed, or just plain missing. I cringe when I hear, 'hey mom, what happened to my ****' It happens at least once a day, the question, followed by my silence and look, and then either anger, or sadness.
Today, well, technically, yesterday, 364 days after the fire, I dragged a box from my closet to the garage because something in it smelled like smoke. I also went through a box of pictures/frames and books, half went into the garage because they stink.
We are still missing everyday items....and every time I go to the store, which I swear to god is every freaking day!, I forget to buy the missing items. A pipe wrench, a funnel, a stupid wine opener. Realized this past weekend, I dont have any of those corn thingys you stick in corn on the cob so you can eat it without burning yourself. Have been to the store 4 times since them and have forgotten to buy them every time.
And dont get me wrong, I have no personal attachment to stupid corn on the cob thingys. Its just the fact that I dont remember that I dont own them anymore so when I go to get them, I dont have them and its just plain ANNOYING!
Last week, I was looking for Hubbies staple gun. I had used it last and needed it again. I searched high and low in the garage....getting annoyed, mostly at myself, figuring that I had misplaced the damn thing and was going to catch hell for it. You know men and their tools. Finally, I started cleaning the stupid garage searching for it. 30 minutes later I found it. Right where it belonged, hanging on the wall behind the work bench. Its yellow now. All of this time I had been searching for my silver staple gun. I had forgotten that it was now yellow. How stupid is that!
I look at what we have now...not at what we have lost. Hell, we had to much crap anyway. We all do. Don't believe me...go look in your basement....make a mental list of the stuff you haven't used in the past 5 years!
I look at what we have now...every single thing I have ever wanted to do to my house, I was able to do. I mean EVERYTHING. We all have a wish list in our house....an outlet here, a switch there, new floor, new cabinets. I got it all. ALL! Hell, I got a master suite! As incredibly gorgeous as it is, as amazing, as shiny, as new....its a daily reminder of what we went through. Hell, its a minute by minute reminder of what we went through. My old fridge was literally held together by duct tape. I was desperate to replace it, but the damn thing wouldn't die. I just couldn't go out and spend money on a new one, when the old one still worked. Every time I open my incredibly beautiful, dual ice maker, fridge, I am reminded at how it came to be. Its not a conscious thought, I dont have many of those, its just a fleeting thought.
I always wanted a living room set for a patio set...I got it. I always wanted to get rid of the dying tree in my yard and put a bigger pool, I got it. Its like winning a reverse lottery. Here's all the money you need to rebuild your house the way you have always dreamed, but there's a catch....you loose everything you own.
I summed it up to a friend once by saying, its like I woke up in someone elses life. I went to bed that night and woke up with the same family same world, but a different life. Lets face it, our material things are our life. If they weren't we wouldn't strive for new cars, better furniture, new shoes etc.
I remember joking, pre fire, about having a house fire, re building, replacing...we've all said it...That we want new carpet so lets set fire to the living room floor... Never in a million years would I have imagined the pain that this sort of tragedy brings.
Are we closer as a family, yes. We realize how close we came to not being here...to not having each other to laugh with or at...to annoy, to shoot nerf bullets at, to turn off the bathroom light when someone is in the shower :) to hug, to love, to care, and to watch grow, or in my case, i think i'm shrinking.
Are we still feeling out of place, yes. I dont know how to describe this one. Its an odd feeling. Maybe like moving to a new town where you know some of the people, but things have changed so much? or moving back to the town you grew up in? you've changed but no one else has? I'm not sure. We were at a gathering recently, and suddenly, I looked around and discovered my entire family, that is the 5 of us, were alone in the basement, eating. No one else down there, just us. (I gathered up everyone and we left) It was odd. Like we're feeling out of place...this huge monumental event has occurred, an event that threw us out of the normal realm of daily life. We are not back to normal, not feeling normal, feeling out of place, when the rest of the world just continues on around us. Some days, we feel like invisible people? That's not right...I was at another gathering where I was introduced to everyone as the friend who lost her house in a fire. Maybe that's it. if its not mentioned, you wait....waiting for, hoping no one does, but knowing someone will mention it. Half wanting to talk about it because it sometimes feels better to do so...when it is mentioned, you cringe...not wanting to talk about it. Or maybe its the feeling out of place because for the past year, we have had nothing else happen to us but house crap. We have nothing to contribute to the conversation. Hell, I dont even know what is going on in the real word...I still dont have time to read the paper...i keep forgetting to by corn on the cob thingys!
Hubby recently said he had nothing to say at a gathering...I understand the feeling(I'll wait for the shock of that statement to wear off) I used to love hanging out and chatting it up. Now, I've got nothing.(another shocker, I know)
We lost our house, but it was rebuilt as our dream house. We lost our possessions, most we didn't need anyway. But, have we lost ourselves as well? and if so, where do we go from here? You can replace an ice bucket(finally just did that one), but how can you replace your own feeling of what? belonging? No...not belonging? How can you go back to feeling like you are not the giant white elephant in the room...hiding in the corner, half dreading, half wishing that someone will notice the giant white elephant...That makes no sense what so ever...How do we get back to our pre fire lives?
That's it....I'm done...its 2:11 am....the fire has been put out, mostly, hoses are still spraying hot spots...we don't yet know the damage...we have since discovered, the physical damage was null in comparison.
