This is the life I wanted. I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I used to work, out in the real world. Spent every waking hour trying to figure out how I could quit my job and stay at home with my kids. Considered writing Oprah and asking her for money to pay off our student loans so I could stay home. That was all that was holding us back. I would see other moms with their kids out during the day and get tears in my eyes because that was what I wanted. I wanted my face to be the face they saw in the morning, not the hurry, get dressed, pee, eat we have to get to daycare, I have a meeting, face.
I wanted to be there when they were sick, to cut the crusts off, cut grilled cheese into little triangles, cut up apple wedges, sprinkle with cinnamon, and serve lovingly.
Well, I have been there now for 8+ years. I now know the truth. The moms at the playgrounds were secretly insane or drinking heavily or sedated. By the grace of the economy, I was laid off over 8 years ago. My god, has it been that long already? My package was good enough that I did not have to go back to work. Of course back then, I was in baby heaven. Going to the library, taking walks, reading stories...Now...i'm in pre-teen, hormonal, and left out hell!
C1 is 12 almost 13. Please just shoot me now. It would be easier. I am the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. I am annoying, I am inconsiderate, intolerant, and an idiot. If I ask for help, he acts like I have just asked him to amputate his own arm with his teeth. If I say we are going to the store, I have just asked him to strip naked and walk through the store.
C2 10 going on 18. Cries at the drop of a hat. Favorite mantra. 'I hate my life' Loves to shop, loves to ask 'can I' Love to help when asked. hates everything else, especially C3.
C3 6. My baby. Used to having no one around since the other kids were in school all day and he had me to himself. Great shopper. Fun to shop with, goes off and finds his own thing to do. So quiet, I forget to feed him half the time. Hates C2.
My house is never clean. My laundry is never dried, spun, folded, ironed, or put away. Dishwasher is always half clean and half empty. I have thrown things away just because I didn't want to go upstairs to put it away. I have stuffed things under the bed because I didn't know what else to do with it. (my mom just tsked me)
Just told C2 that if the question started with 'can i' I was going to send her to bed.
When did life go from cute adorable kids to god I need a drink and I dont have anything good in the house?
Tried to read a book the other day, revolved around a knitting store, and I couldn't read it because they were all 20 somethings complaining about their lives. Got a book called Hot Flash Club...OH MY GOD! is that what life is going to become?
When did life go from loving my babies and counting the minutes till they woke up from nap, to just leave me alone. Of course, I dont really want to be alone? Hubby is never around. He's dealing with SOM. Not an easy thing I understand..but he's never around. Kids are around to much, fighting to much, house is in a constant state of hell. Things need fixing, replacing, removing, putting away, etc etc. I mean, just what is that lump of something stuck on the floor of the family room.
Where do I go from here? C1 doesn't need me, C2 need every life being I have, C3 needs and loves me in the perfect balance. Hubby never around, house a pit, my god, it should be spotless...but what is the point. I clean it,and garden gnomes wander in behind me messing it up.
What do I need?
Someone fetch me a Mikes, QUICK!
No comments:
Post a Comment