To whom it may concern.....

Ok...Maybe its not to whom it may concern...its more of Dear Children.....

I would think that if you were children of normal brain stature, you would like and want a nice mom to have around. A mom who gave hugs and kisses, who read stories, baked cookies, gladly shuffled you around places, cleaned up after you, bathed you when you were broken or stapled back together, cooked your favorite dinner, washed your favorite shirt, knit you awesome socks, and generally and unconditionally loved the stuffings out of you.

I wonder if you know how easy it is to have this kind of mom. This is, afterall, the favorite type of mom.

Here is what to do to have this mom.

Get up when I tell you to. Dont fake being asleep. I know you are not.
Get dressed, and that does not mean wear the same shirt you wore yesterday, slept in and then put back on after you showered.
Come downstairs with SOCKS ON. I have no idea why I like this. The outfit feels complete with socks for some reason...so just freaking do it man!!!
Do not talk to your siblings when you come down for breakfast.
Grab a simple breakfast, do not ask if you can turn on the tv, because you already know the answer and whining wont change anything.
clean up after yourself, that does not mean putting a bowl crusted with oatmeal in the dishwasher. it becomes concrete man! I wonder if that is what the Egyptians used when they built the pyramids.
put your shoes on
dont decide you need 3 dollars for school that day
dont shove papers in front of me demanding I sign them
dont get lost on the way to brush your teeth
dont play with legos on the way to brushing your teeth.
dont play your computer on the way to brushing your teeth
brush your teeth
please do not paint with toothpaste, see the oatmeal concrete comments, I think toothpaste was used as caulk
come downstairs with your shoes
put your coat on and get out.

oh..kiss me goodbye.
Dont forget your lunch, after I said three times to grab your lunch
dont yell at me that you dont have time to zip your jacket after you got lost upstairs for 27 min while heading to brush your teeth
dont start looking for your homework


Keep in mind, this is just getting out the door. I wont even start getting in the door
ok..one thing...dont come in the door fighting!
Dont throw your stuff on the counter and or floor and start rooting for a snack
Dont argue.

CHILDREN, IT IS VERY VERY EASY TO HAVE THE PERFECT MOM AS DESCRIBED IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH CLOSED AND DONT ARGUE WITH ME!

I want to be the nice mom, the loving mom, but you wont let me. Why not? What is wrong with your brains that have caused you to need the mean mom? Do you think I like to be this way. That I like dreading getting you up in the morning or dreading when you come home after school? Guess what guys..I dont... sigh