Sorry Dad...and Mom..and all of my male friends and relatives...Please feel free to ignore reading this one.
And to any I may offend by this first sentence....fell free to condemn me...its ok.
God is a MAN! No woman in the world would make us bleed once a month for 7, yes SEVEN, days and make it painful!
To the Men who say PMS is fake...GO TO HELL! Hmmm....I seem to be a little sensitive today.
I figure there are several stages to getting and having your period. At least there are for me.
Stage one: SALLY STRUTHERS STAGE
This
stage actually comes before the period. Remember the commercials she
starred in, surrounded by starving children asking for our pledges to
help feed them. She was like 300 lbs! I know...shame on me for
judging...but didn't we all sit there and think to ourselves, 'Good Lord
woman...share the food you are eating' Sally Struthers Stage, in two
parts....Part 1; we consume everything in sight...we are not hungry...we
just want food. Its usually food we don't normally eat too. Last
month I ate 4, yes FOUR, cinnamon rolls! I dont even like cinnamon
rolls! This was in one sitting! Not even over the course of an entire
day....it was maybe in like 15 minutes! Part 2; Sobbing over the
children. Of course, it might not actually be starving children we sob
over. It could be that snuggle fabric softener commercial with the cute
little bear snuggling a blankey. WHAT??? There is no rhyme or
reason...God forbid a video comes up of soldiers being reunited with
their children after being deployed, or with their DOG!!!! That's
sobbing while eating 4 cinnamon rolls!
Stage two: Incredible Hulk
This
is one of my favorite and my kids/hubbies least favorite! Very mild
mannered, very calm. Like eerie calm! Helping children with homework,
settling squabbles....and then, with no warning whatsoever....THE
INCREDIBLE HULK ERUPTS IN THE KITCHEN(thankfully not ripping off
clothes, but by this time, you feel like he looks, everything bulging
out of them). Eyes raise up towards the ceiling, arms flail and a howl
that makes animals seek shelter, bursts from your lungs! Children
freeze, hubbies cower, animals(cause they are the smartest) run and
hide. The Incredible Hulk tends to slam things down, throw shoes up the
stairs, throw books/backpacks anywhere. Although this stage only lasts
a second or two, you are left standing alone in the kitchen...all
living creatures have fled...you are panting, trying to slow down your
breathing, trying to calm the anger within...Trying to find mild
mannered mom again...But its to late, and you stumble away,
alone...defeated
Stage three: Alice(Brady Bunch)
This
is definitely my favorite stage. Its the clean every single nook and
cranny of the house stage. Not the normal places of the house, not the
areas we do every day anyway. Its the, time to clean the baseboards
stage. or scrub the grout with a toothbrush stage. As kids, this was a
scary stage for us..(SORRY MOM). We came home from school, and every
item from under our bed was not on top of our bed. Our beds now stood 6
feet high. I can still remember walking to my bedroom and emitting a
huge sigh....but recognizing the Alice stage and knowing how quickly it
could turn into the Incredible Hulk stage, I shut up and cleaned! (ok,
mom never actually turned into the Incredible Hulk. Honest!)
Stage four: The Odd Couple with me playing the role of Oscar
Remember this show? Felix was the one that demanded everything be neat and Oscar was the slob.
Stage
4 does not happen very often. Alice seems to show up more often than
Oscar. But everyone once in a while, Oscar shows up and says screw it!
Nothing gets done, nothing gets cleaned, picked up, washed, put
away....dinner doesn't get made....Nothing happens...NOTHING! I do feel
slightly guilty when Stage four does hit. Usually that means that when
children get home from school, they are met by Stage Two the second
they walk in the door. Hell, its not my mess. I am Felix! Oscar just
shows up and says, I am no not cleaning up the dried cereal in the sink,
or bringing kids laundry downstairs, or wiping toothpaste off the
counters...Oscar waits for the unsuspecting children to come home and
unleashes the Hulk.
Stage five: The super insecure, wife
He
doesn't call during the day, does he still love me? He's 5 minutes
late getting home, did he find someone else? He's one the phone
laughing it up, He doesn't find me funny anymore? He gobbles dinner
down and doesn't comment, He doesn't like my cooking? He doesn't ask
about my day, He doesn't care anymore? I showered that day, He doesn't
comment that I look pretty? Or whats even worse...Hi Honey, how was your day *muttering response* Like you care... Dinner was great *muttering response* It was fricking take out, you moron! Did you get a chance to pick up the dry cleaning? *muttering response* what am I, your fricking servant! Have you seen my (insert item name here) *muttering response* what am I, your fricking Mother! Worse yet!!! I Love you *muttering response* BITE...ME! This
is the stage men fear the most. Nothing they say or do is right. They
are in trouble just for existing. If they help, we think, what, you
think I can't do it myself...and if they dont help, we think, you lazy
fricking moron...you can do your own laundry from now on. If they dont
tell us we are pretty, we think we are ugly...if they dont tell us they
love us, they are tired of us, am I getting flabby? This is the most
dangerous stage for any man.
After stage five,
things start to calm down...All creatures come out from hiding, animals,
children and husbands. A little meekly at first, timid, still slightly
afraid...but they slowly emerge. And we, having shed our Sybil
persona, act like nothing at all has happened. Life slowly returns back
to normal...the birds begin to sing again, the sun shines, the air is
fresh...life is good....for about 21 days....then....SALLY STRUTHERS
SHOWS UP AGAIN!!! WHO ATE ALL THE FRICKING CINNAMON ROLLLS!???!!!
